My mother broke the mold today with her new schemes to obtain her much deserved grandchildren. In the past, she has only bribed me with a cool $10,000 per child or nagged me about how I'm getting older and there is no time to waste. She once told me she would bring me to a Chinese herbalist and then my husband, as she was sure there was something wrong with our ability to procreate. I will have to get back to these incidents in more detail later, but for now the happenings of today.
I went out to my mother's house today to enjoy a fine bowl of shrimp and tomato soup, Bun Rieu, she had prepared. I don't often get out to my mother's house since starting graduate school and salivate at the mention of Vietnamese food. I figured today was as good of day as any to visit her, since I hadn't been in a while, and my semester has ended leaving me with more free time. The enjoyment of my soup, laden with shrimp paste and hot chili sauce, went peacefully enough. However, it was too soon after that the mention of babies and pregnancy spewed forth from my mother's lips. This time she had a remedy, well several remedies, to my husband not impregnating me.
The first and most obvious solution was for me to stop using birth control. She laid it out for me about how easy and simple it would be, despite that it would be slightly deceptive. My only response was to be as honest as I could and say, "Um Mom, it's called a condom." (TMI - I know, lol.) Well, it only took a split second for her to come up with her next plan. She is a quick one. "Don't sleep in the same room as him," she tells me in a stern Vietnamese accent. Then in Vietnamese she explains that if he won't impregnate me then we should not sleep in the same area and that I should teach him a lesson that way. She also says she was not opposed to divorce, since a child was not being produced.
Her next idea was that I should just adopt. And that she was okay with me adopting from any country, as long as I brought a baby home. Now, if you know my mother this is a total turn around from a few years ago, when I told her I wanted to adopt a child from Korea (mostly because I lived there and was/am at times obsessed with Korea!) A few years ago she just wanted me to have a child and couldn't understand why I would want to adopt in lieu of conceiving. But today she says I am getting to the age that in a few years, I might just have to end up adopting and its okay by her. She also said that this should be a total embarrassment to my husband for his inability to impregnate me at this point. She then continued on about all the ways she has helped me, him, us, and I guess in retribution we should provide a grandchild for her. At this point I started to fall asleep, as it all sounded like blah, blah, blah. Ok, I confess, I did fall asleep.
When I woke, my mother had already packed up extra noodles and soup for me to take home. Have to love the care packages even if it comes at a price! I made it home and in less than in hour she called me 3 times. I had my ringer off and did not hear my phone. On the 4th call, I answered, expecting her to ask if I'd gotten home okay and if I'd eaten the soup even though I'd just eaten at her house. However, to my surprise, she asked me neither of these things. Instead, she described how I can go to a place and get "sperm" without having a relationship with the men. That I could have this place put the sperm inside my egg and have a baby that way. Then of course, it would be my choice as to whether or not I told my husband. If I did tell him, it would be to embarrass him for his failure to impregnate me in a timely and convenient fashion and to basically force him into submission in order to fulfill his duties at a later time. She didn't know the word for sperm bank or sperm, but she did a good job in Vietnamese explaining her point. She also believes this place, where they can impregnate me, is at the regular hospital up the street. I also believe, that she believes this is her greatest plan yet in achieving the creation of another grandchild.
My response, in English, "Mom, wouldn't it just be easier if I poked a hole in the condom?" The other end of the phone line broke out in little old asian lady giggles. "Hehehe. good idea," in thick accent. Click.
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